No, it’s not my birthday. I know I usually pick up blogging for a day around my birthdays.
No, it's just a wave of nostalgia that's flooded my mind with words.
Words strong enough, for once, to force myself to sit and write them down.
I've been stuck lately. It's a weird, unpleasant feeling. I've heard of people talking about what it's like being in one, but I've never understood. I've never been stuck. At least, not this long, not this - weird.
But maybe finally sitting down and writing after years of dormancy is my way out. Starting with today's word-gush:
Thoughts of my previous self - my past self. Who I was then and who I am now.
It’s not a big change, unfortunately. Not enough of a difference as I would've liked to see in myself. But things have changed, nonetheless, I have changed - I can feel it. For better or for worse is yet to be decided.
Perhaps a lot more cynical, but more empathetic.
Less judgmental but more demanding.
Perhaps less trusting but still hopeful.
Less friends, but important ones.
Definitely more picky, but more realistic. (a painful combination, lemme tell ya)
Unapologetically myself but more aware.
Experienced more grief but also witnessed more miracles.
With some changes I'm more okay with than others. But it's not like I was asked permission.
You never are. That's life. There's hurt and pain and burdens you sob under until you can't anymore. But I've also realized how much depends on me. And as much as life is out of my control, I'm still in control of myself. I'm in control of my view on life, my feelings and their control over me.
And though it all, I'm more and more amazed and filled with more and more gratitude for my Lord's mercies and blessings.
I am truly nothing without Him. I would be lost, filled with bitter agendas. I would not have enough to sustain myself to even just be.
Wow, that was cathartic..
